What was I thinking? I must be honest in saying that this past year I have been waiting...waiting on someone to think that our marriage might just be worth saving. Thinking that anyday now that person that I married in 1994 would realize that they love me enough to make a monumental effort to restore and start anew with that which has been torn apart by bull crap. That they may love me enough to consider the wrongs I contributed....and understand that hurt and anger drove me to that. Ive done much praying, and crying, and let me just tell you the crying and praying have been deep and soul searching and gut wrenching... but have availed nothing. It has caused me to soul search and peel the layers away from the emotionally dead person I had become to disecting each and every thought, feeling and behavior that turned me into that person at the end of my marriage. She was ugly...very ugly...and someone I never hope to be again. You can't go through the process of self evaulation without getting to a point where you really see and take responsibility for the way in which you contributed to the demise of your marriage. It is a painful process and a process in which has left me aged and stressed and forever remorseful.
With that being said, I had hoped that my still other half would have done the same....
and would perhaps spend time and energies into finding ways in which to start anew in the marriage that has yet to end after 15 years....yet is still broken. I assume the courts will eventually grant me that divorce and we will eventually be freed from the legal standing of being husband and wife...but I will forever be tied emotionally and spiritually to this man. I see him every single time I breath in my children. I don't think I will ever get to a day where as I don't hope for a future together as a family. I don't mean the broken future we share where we communicate on the business of our chilren....but where we connect daily becuase we choose to and want to and love to....it is what it is.
Dissillusionment is a painful reality...when you realize that that person you hope for would rather spend time, effort and engergies in creating their new life...and finding that new person to share it with. Ouch....let me just tell you there are not enough band aides or cocktails in the world strong enough to ease that pain. The pain of realization that there is nothing that you gave that would ever cause them to want it back....that the life you shared together was so awful that you just would never risk starting anew and moving forward with that person again. Nevermind you have children and history together... I think often times people in this situation get overwhelmed at the thought of going back and fixing all that was broken...they think they have to have all the wronges righted before reconcilliation can begin. That is a sad sad way to think, nothing can be fixed...only a new beginning could be started. I have been waiting on that new beginning...and the reality is slowly and painfully settling in that it just isn't going to be.....
So~all I can aspire to do is start living again...living where I don't check my phone every day to see if he has sent me a message that could be other than just business, or hoping that he may want to spend some time with me, or checking my email to see if perhaps there is a message there...something, anything....instead I get it that he has just moved on and it is easier to create something new than to go back and try and fix that which is so broken. I didn't break it all by myself...I know that. I just wonder if he has ever given thought to 20 years from now....I sure have. I wanted to share it with him....
