After The Fact

The Valentine's Day weekend was not what I had envisioned by any stretch of the imagination. I did get to spend Valentines Day with my two most precious little men in the entire world. They were so sweet, so intune to the fact that it was a "day of love" so they showered me with much-o hugs and kisses throughout the day.... At night when I was tucking them in (heartbreaker here so I need to grab a tissue first) my youngest Jack said "Happy Happy Valentines Day to the best mommy in the world!!! Do you think that Dad even knew that it was Valentines Day today?" I replied, yes, I am sure he did. "Well he must have forgot to tell any of us that he loves us today, does he not know that we are his number one fan club?" I replied with "I am sorry honey, do you want to call him now on the phone?" He paused and thought a few seconds and said, "thats ok...I had a filled up Valentines day with you mom." and to answer your question....no, he didn't even acknowledge us on this day of love. I am crushed....I guess being married to someone for that long, and having children with them, and truly still loving and caring for them, doesn't earn you the courtesy of a "happy valentines day" At the end of my marriage...the last year or so when we were together...I shut down emotionally, I was so desperately lonely...he was so emotionally unavailable to me. He always will be I presume. The loneliness I feel now does not compare to the loneliness I felt in his presence. We dropped some things off at his house when we went to let the pooch out. .at least we tried to make him feel special, I wasn't going to get the balloons....my boys were like please mommy lets get them....and I said why?...my oldest said, because you love him. Yes Jacob, I do love him. My boys are so intune with me...they know my heart, my oldest can look at me from across the room and see a certain look in my eyes and he will drop what he is doing and come to me and give me a big hug. I don't want them to feel they have to carry that burden, but I am very proud of them for being mindful of other peoples feelings. If they could just grow up and treat their wives that way...be fluent with the I love you's and generous with the hugs.....I perhaps won't feel like such a failure. I carry huge guilt for them being from a broken home. I am still a glass half full girl....I see things as fixable, I hope, I believe in love, I believe in miracles, I believe giving someone yet another chance, I believe in my marriage, even though it is ending and will be ended with a final divorce decree soon.....I still believe. I will believe until God changes my mind....and brings me a fullness in my life whereas I won't hope for my lost love anylonger. My "Mr Available" in a recent conversation...I think I scared him off a bit....I made the confession to him that I still very much loved my husband...and he said what do you mean?...I said if he wanted to reconcile, I would have to give it my 150%. He was alarmed at that response. I explained, that when a marriage ends, you both don't necessarily want it to end....sometimes it is out of your control. It doesn't mean you don't understand the importance of moving forward. He said I couldn't move forward without giving up on him. I argued that I may not be able to give up on him without moving forward.....catch 22, get my drift? Sometimes you need to put on a new pair of boots to realize your old boots don't fit so great anymore even though you thought you would NEVER get rid of your old boots. ....I play with anaolgies in my mind all the time, its a weird sort of thing I do which if I spoke each and everyone of them out loud I am sure my friends and family would get really annoyed with me!