Bravery~Or Not?

I want to talk about being brave. I don't think of myself as a particularly courageous person. I don't even like calling strangers on the phone but its part of my job so I have to do it everyday. . I'm terrified of snakes, I have dreams about going blind or dying at least once a month, and I still run up the stairs really fast when it's dark and I find myself in a stairwell for some reason. I get lightheaded in job interviews and when I have to speak to a person I don't know, and the idea of a blind date sends me into a coma., I have panic attacks driving in the snow or heavy rain,I covered my eyes during most of The Grudge and The Ring. and I shut down completely when I realize I am really alone in this place in my life, relationally. So during the last years of my life there was a long series of events that led to me moving to a new place in my life. Most of those events involved my plans for my life falling through after my husband asked me for a divorce or not being what I thought they would be, walls and broken dreams, living with a stranger,wanting him to fight for us but realizing those were just vain words, and nothing worked until I decided there was no turning back. I am single and he wasn't coming for me. Nothing has paralyzed me with fear quite like this reality has. I used to dream of that knock on the door...that phone call, that letter, then I quit dreaming. I tried with him, he simply wants "friendship" and then to send me home to be ultimately "alone." Not brave, I am not brave. Almost 2 years later, I am still single.(technically not single because the state of tn hasn't granted me a divorce because I picked the suckiest attorneys in the state and now I am broke so I can't even wave $500 at them to get them to get me a courtdate for petes sake) ...and guess what?, I am ok. It stinks, it blows, it isn't what I want for myself,, I am broke, I am alone, I love my ex husband passionatley and want such a beautiful life for us, I wanted a marriage restored but guess what?, we don't always get what we want. I don't want to restore a marriage that isn't going to be restored according to what God wants for us. I dont' want to be in a relationship that will leave us in the same broken boat we were in. I can be scared, I can be mad, but I am me....and I am still standing and I don't have to be brave each and every second and giving myself the liberty to just be scared is sometimes all it takes to find some braveness down deep in my soul again. :) And I guess that's the point of all of this. Sometimes you get stuck, and then you either have to be happy being stuck or you have to do something you're afraid to do - get a new job, move to a new place, go out on a date with someone new, start a new relationship, climb a mountain, run away to London, (I watched a chick flick that really inspired me to do something so drastic but then I remembered I am a mother.), change your haircolor, start running, buy a puppy - scary stuff like that. And don't decide not to do it just because you never have or because it will be scary. I'm beginning to realize that some of my best decisions have been the ones I was most afraid to make.